It’s so cold and I’ve got something inside this stomach that feels like war.
I’ve let go of many things this year; said good-bye to what I can control.
And then there’s letting go of you –
And there’s the agreement we make upon entering parenthood; saying “yes” to having the floor pulled out from under us for eighteen years or so and then to say good-bye.
Each passing month you would tell me, ‘don’t you worry-I’ve got a plan-and you’re not gonna like it.”
Your birthday came and went, summer slipped by too; and still, you had a plan.
Your plan, turns out, fell apart due to your enjoyment of things illegal.
Your birth – I can still see your face coming to the surface of the water, so ready to take your first breath.
You were the most peaceful baby/toddler/young child.
And in adolescence you exploded into the world, burst open the family doors and marched forward.
I’ve never seen such courage and determination.
And now-
So, what are your plans, i asked. I mean, didn’t you mention last month you would be moving in with your dad in February?
You said – well, i just said that because you said you were having a hard time setting me free.
Oh – (well then let me be clear) I say to him – I’m expecting you to move this February.
Oh – you say -Okay, well I’ll probably live with dad and work for a year.
I was so calm – it was the kindest way to ask my last child to move out.
(Did I really just ask him to move out?)
It wasn’t easy but it was time.
Oh, the war in my stomach, I guess that’s what letting go feels like.
There’s a tearing in the dna.
I will heal, and he will always be one of the bravest and most compassionate men I will ever know.
You did it with strength and grace. It’s just a transition. Not a true goodbye.
I don’t have children to say goodbye to, but I can appreciate the tearing in the dna – good luck to you and your son!
O this i probably the best way.. and that last part really sums it up greatly.. well penned..
smiles… you know that hit home… i’m just about to let my kids move out into the world as well… not easy to let go but so good to see them fly…smiles
Thanks Claudia..it’s such a complex set of emotions; one minute I want to scoot his but out the door and the next I’m sad/fearful. And yes, it’s exciting to see him move forward (with a bit of prodding from mom).
ps I really enjoy your work!
It all comes back . . . honest it does. And it is better, truer, everlasting.
Honest.
Those are such kind words Jeff, thank you!
I pray for the healing of your heart and spirit this Holiday ~ May it bring you peace and love ~ All the best ~
Thank you Grace, you have a beautiful holiday as well.
a tearing in the dna…oy…i dont envy your decision as it is a hard one…but if it is time…yeah…this is real…and i def understand having to let go of so much…i have faced that…
Thanks Brian….yea, I know I’m not alone in this one….I’ll be fine but it’s a raw time…joyful holidays to you and yours!