Field Notes: Month Five

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the morning of...

Bullets: (lists, fragments of or phrases of import, things/people/events to remember and/or remind).

Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training. 5th month completed.
***Requirement (Important) White Tantric* in Phoenix.
Travel by air 749 miles. Flight time: 1.5 hours. Arrive 30 minutes ahead of schedule.
How does time pass? Is it?

Hotel and Ubers and kind of healthy/not so healthy food.
Exhausted; feels like it should be at least nine. Only it’s 6pm.
Time is confusing.

Awake early to share bathroom practices with two other yoginis.
Check-in/set up. Rows of white clothed men and women from head to toe.
Note: (accept for a few who don’t).
In pairs seated across from one another.

Me: in chair. A gentleman approaches. Do you need a partner? Yes. Ok. Partnered up.

8am: warm ups. simple asanas to stretch and get circulation moving.

62 minutes X 5 plus 1, 31 minute kriya* (mudra*+mantra*). Arms. It’s all arms and staring into your partner’s eyes. At first it feels strange, then trippy, as his face moves around. How do you stare into another’s eyes? Is the looking evenly distributed between the right and left? I find myself looking first into one eye and then the other. By days end it feels completely natural.

Kriya, break. Kriya, break. Repeat. Final 62 minutes we chant the Mul mantra** with eyes closed; a welcomed relief after hours of staring.
Raw, naked, turned inside out. Arms outstretched with my partner, holding the others elbows.
This last one is the best. I don’t have to lower my arms once. My partner is my rock. Voice left raspy from powering through the chant for an hour.
Done. thank my partner. hug.

Take pictures (for proof). Another Uber and take out (food) and M&M’s with peanuts.

Subtlest of subtle. Healing. It’s only been 72 hours but I’m certain of one experience. Sitting across from a man I’ve never met; who is completely non-threatening. No sexual tension or sexual energy. Only full on support. And we’re chanting with one another. In English and gurmukhi. No conversation. I realize later, this experience, I’ve given myself  my voice back and healed trauma that occurred pre-verbally. When I didn’t have the words. And again, on two other occasions, when speech was removed from me/in blackness. And now, eyes wide open, fully functional, fully voicing. My Infinity.
My “Mary-ness”.
My universal mother light shining bright white light (Sita Chandjoti-ness).

And in conversation, recognizing desire for deeper, more authentic, intimate conversations, where allowances are made for safe speaking. Curiosity, “who are you?” No agenda. No judgement. No fixing. No enlisting (I know, right?) Changing (upending) old ways. De-colonizing language. Its form and functionality.
Creating new neuroplastic pathways for communicating with another.

At first glance, from the outside, everything seems to be moving at regular speed through time and space. Inside; a vast field of much to discover having only seen initial glimmers and understandings. It requires a watchful, mindful eye.

“I call myself back from all time and all places.” Meggan Watterson

*kriya-sequence of postures, breath, and sound.
*mudra-position of the hands locking (guiding), flow of energy.
*mantra-sound vibration.
*White Tantric-group meditation done in pairs.
**Mul Mantra-opening lines of the Japji Sahib. Morning prayer chanted each morning during sadhana (daily practice).

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