Integration hasn’t begun. Although I’ve been resonating with this word for about the past 6 months. I thought I was in the process of integrating all the many parts of me over decades. This morning having a clear sensation that integration felt too staid, too static. Like my partner described it, “like metal”. And weaving brought herself to my attention. More a felt sense of lightness and air, and possibility for movement, fluidity.
Annihilation continues. Can you imagine? I’m not used to an on-going process. I took a stand. Made a decision. And thought, “alright, now I’ll move on.” But it’s not that simple. I seem to be encased in an energy field of, what? Annihilation is the word that rose up as I worked through the process and then decision to exit my teacher training and still. And now. The word feels correct but the definition feels incorrect; noun 1. an act or instance of annihilating, or of completely destroying or defeating someone or something.” Hmm….this sounds, so utterly aggressive, strong mars energy. Can I de-colonize this word? Do I need another’s permission? I’d say, more about the complete breaking down; when speaking directly to one’s own experience of ego and her existence. An image might be that of a human figure (mine), dropping and separating into a million pieces as gravity releases her to the earth.
The idea of, “once I decide this, then this will happen.” When in fact, each breath, each step forward is another decision made, another, “and then”, that will happen. No, it’s not that decisive, is it? Feels more like one continuous motion in time.
This is what’s happening.
weave: verb (used with object) to interlace (6) to form or construct something. 7. to compose a connected whole by combining various elements or details. I like #7 the most.
Mother Mary has been very active. By my side. In my heart. Am I looking outside myself when I seek her support? Is it different when you call on one disembodied? When I remember, She is Me. I understand, there is no confusion. And anyway, as if I require permission for asking for help?
“One day, maybe today, you will look back on everything that came after your decision to attend to your life like an artwork, and you will see a great number of years symbolized in moons and stained with blood, stretching across a great landscape behind you, and you’ll know you have come a great distance. Here, with your cape of wound-moons, a piercing presence in your eyes, a living history on your skin, you will know you have always belonged.”
“Belonging:Remembering Ourselves Home” by Toko-pa Turner