Seven years ago, and the morning after I’d decided, no, felt, no, guided to; yes.
Yes, that’s the best description. Seven years ago it became painfully evident that my body couldn’t handle alcohol. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. And I was guided to, later in the day, attend my first recovery meeting.
I woke in the morning and decided to take a drive and clear my head. I’d already gone online and found a place and the time to attend my first meeting. But it was 9am and an entire day ahead of me. I got on the highway and drove a short distance to Cerrillos, a small mining town southwest of Santa Fe. Pulling over on a side street, stopped the car, and looked over to my left. There, stood a small adobe church and an attached garden, an archway and a wooden door. On the archway, there were words but couldn’t make them out. I got out of the car and crossed the street and read the words, “Mary Mediatrix of Graces.” I’d never seen that phrase before. “Mediatrix?’ Hmmm….
What I did know, was that Mary was speaking to me. The church door was locked and honestly, I can’t recall if the door to the inner garden was locked. What is remembered is driving home and a “knowing” in my bones that life was going to change, had already begun to change. And, that Mary had my back.
A lot of people have my back these days*. I am so grateful. I was given the courage to ask for help. It’s a partnership, this thing called life. I think I’ve always had the courage.
(we all have courage). For me, in that time, being reminded of what already existed inside was the key.
Mary, the Mediatrix, is god’s go between, qualitatively, in the Catholic church.
For me, SHE reminded me, there is no go-between. Ask and it is given.
At The Beginning Stop Suffering ~ Alice Notley
I am mercy; I have no understanding of who I am;
though, with my thousand arms, I have written of my own
nature since writing began. I inhabit you and you write about me again.
There is always the sound or color or feeling in which I can arrive.
Lying in bed suffering from loneliness or anger the woman
with eyes sees me bending over her, a many-armed figure
wearing a rayed disk hat. Not a clear image, but made of the blue and red
brocade beneath the eyelids. Yes you were right, you contain all
the qualities and possibilities, all the gods-I’m here inside when
you need me; I can come to you when you’ve forgotten my
name; a voice of yours, hidden to you, calls for mercy and mercy always comes.
*Many I am in relationship with and so many others who have deeply influenced me and we’ve never met, I bow.