July 23, 2021
Full moon in Aquarius. There will be another full moon in Aquarius 4 weeks from now. Fairly unusual but clear indication the universe prays for us humins to get our shit together and start treating each other with respect, compassion, love, understanding….
We’ve had so much rainfall in the past weeks in the Pecos wilderness our yard is a deep green. The roses are in continuous bloom. The arroyos are creating little pools for my dog to play in. Not a day goes by where I don’t feel deep gratitude for the rain, the roses, my relationship (s). My life. I often go through a mental check list just after I turn out the light and close the day. I say, thank you Mary (Our Lady), I send loving thoughts to my sons and siblings. I thank the universe for my partner and the joy he brings into my life. The fortune I feel that I have him to come home to every day. I have some one to talk things over with, bounce things off. My dog who greets me at the door arriving home from work, yelping and whining like he hasn’t seen me in years.
I’ve been paring things. Thinning things. Going through things. Attempting to make sense of things. There is no such thing as anything making sense. Things simply are. Dogen ( the 13th century founder of the Soto sect of Zen) says, “Continuous practice, day after day, is the most appropriate way of expressing gratitude.” And so it is.
As mentioned in an earlier post, I took up TM (Transcendental Meditation) back in April. Someone recently asked how I came to this practice at this time in my life. So I’ve been thinking about this. A lot. Hinduism, vedanta, kashmir shaivism, tibetan buddhism, zen. Kundalini Yoga teacher training. Why TM. Why now? I think, up until very recently, I haven’t been completely satisfied in the spiritual path I’ve created. I traveled to India and stayed at my gurus ashram. Logged hundreds and hundreds and more hundreds of hours of meditation and practices. Studied varied forms of hatha yoga and taken a teacher training. Learned breathing techniques and chants to enhance my pineal and pituitary glands and balance my chakras. Practiced mindfulness and learned the importance of being in this present moment. Through sobriety found a new connection with my physical form and how trauma has taken up residency in the body. Worked with releasing these traumas through breath and bodywork.
I’ve struggled for years after having a guru, with looking for another teacher. Some would call my spiritual path one of “cherry picking”. Taking only what I like from each path and then moving on. But honestly, for me, I’ve taken my time and gone deeply into these paths and what eventually happens is that I find myself in a group where there’s too much agreement, discomfort with speaking up and the hierarchy and patriarchy on which the path was created shines through. And, I cannot stay.
In the past 4 or 5 years I’ve watched teacher after teacher fall off their real or imagined throne due to abuse of one form or another. And you know, it is time and it’s all perfect. These are institutions which are all needing not just a facelift but a complete re-structuring. Or, perhaps even, a dismantling? And how this has reflected in my life is that I’ve been called onto the carpet myself. I’ve been asking myself? Do I need a dismantling? A re-structurig? It has been a time or being called out asking myself, where is my agency? Where is my own authority? Who do I think has been “giving/granting” me all of this knowledge and insight over the years? And, who have I been giving my authority and agency away to?
I am not a victim. I live my life from the paradigm that I have chosen everything; good/bad, parentage, race, country etc. and some would call this choosing having made “contracts”; with people and places and relationships and yes, lifetimes. And I don’t ask anyone else to believe in this paradigm. There it is.
This way of looking at things. At viewing my life. This view has allowed me to grow and blossom and continually create what has become this open and endless field that is filled with possibility and hope. A kind of hope that Rebecca Solnit describes this way, “To be hopeful means to be uncertain about the further, to be tender toward possibilities, to be dedicated to change all the way down to the bottom of your heart.” (Hope in the Dark/Untold Histories, Wild Possibilities).