Even Now

Sitting here. Now. With 5 working days left in my “working life”. Seemingly having figured things out, at least to a level of some sort of satisfaction, ease, or comfort. Simultaneously experiencing anxiety and fear and discontent. Looking at myself thinking, ah…you’ve found yourself out. And yes, the jig is up. An impersonator, standing in for the “real Mary”. Reading astrological aspects for the unfolding years feeling a bit like, “no, I simply don’t want to look at this “future time” based on what these signs and symbols have been interpreted as/are interpreted as “who I am/will be.”

What’s with all the quotations? As recently as my drive home from work 2 days ago; this awe and revery arising from deep within. The magic and brilliance of a shining Venus, like I’ve never seen her before. Followed by the rising of yet another full moon that feels closer to vision and Earth than I’ve witnessed in as long as I can remember. These moments, from a zen perspective offer food for thought, contemplation, and self-generated koans.
“What is this?”
“What is it?”
“Who am I”
“Where is my peace?”
Asking what as opposed to why seems more on target with genuine curiosity and openness. Why expresses victimhood (why me/why now/why this/why, why, why).
Futile and useless at its core.

Feeling the asteroid Chiron often viewed and talked about as “the wounded healer” and represents (marking) a place in one’s astrological chart where the emotional/physical/traumatic wounding in one’s life is in fact where the most healing can occur. Chiron often comes crashing in. Although there’s a constant awareness of her presence, when she crashes there is more of a visceral/felt sense. Heaviness/rawness, existential bleeding in the solar plexus. Hearing myself say things to myself: as fool/liar/confused/full of fear. Releasing with support from this Taurus full moon eclipse. The full release of all memory stored which is no longer needed or required for the duration of this lifetime. Innocence, betrayal, anger, vengeance, abandonment, confusion, deception. So many words. De-colonizing of my own language.

Safety. Safety. Safety. Trusting in this numinous, luminescent boundless sense of nowness.
Clearing it all and arriving in this one and only present moment. Presence. Trusting in this presence as my guide and guidance. Karmic clearings. Activation occurs only when I am open and present to it.

Receiving deepest language from one of my mentors, Paramatma Siri Sadhana.
Ego crashing and pieces falling at the feet; at earth’s ground, decaying soil and leaf, disbursing and disappearing back into and from its origins.

Prayers. Invocations. Every moment calls forth a new sense of uniqueness and translation.

Reflection by Odilon Redon

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